Haha. So, for some random reason I dont even remember, I decided to go back and check out my xanga. I think I've had a xanga since September 2003 or something like that, and I read every single entry up to that first one. And geez, it was a trip.
Reading all that stuff that was written not too long ago, it was really funny. For one thing, I think a lot of those posts had to do with messy relationship stuff. The ups and downs of being human made for a lot of gas to fuel the flames, and I mean A LOT of gas. Like enough to freakin burn the building down. So there was that. But then, just reading the way I wrote my thoughts down was crazy. It's like I wrote the way the words came in my head, and I didnt stop to think about what I was writing, I just went for it, and it just flowed for me. I couldnt help but feel rushed even though I was reading each entry really slow (to try to "pull the meaning" out of all those old entries). My words just came out fast with tons of energy. The words were blunt and sometimes harsh (I think) and it was just rapid fire. I dont know how everyone else responded to that, but it kind of gave me a rush. I excited myself. That sounds a little... *cough*, but it's right. I think about what I write, how I write to myself now, and it feels so plain. In comparison, I've definitely cooled with what I type out in my opens forums and blogs. One whiff of the crap I write in the OYFA '07 thread, and I'd say I was crazy, but I definitely feel like I've lost an edge of who I used to be.
Maybe it's the "growing up", or the realization that I really am at that point of growing up, and college wasnt really anything but the best of youthful years. I'm beyond using the scene and emo and punk bands and their music and words to help get me through tough times or to get through life; to define my life. I still listen and I still enjoy, but it doesnt define anything for me. I'm not sitting here going "yes! you said exactly what I'm feeling!" Am I supposed to get dull when I grow up? I hope not. Once again, I blame it on not doing anything all day. Maybe if I fill my day with something, then I'll have something to discuss. I'm running out of thoughts in my head. No stimulation. Zombiieeeee.