Saturday, May 17, 2008

The Strong Will Never Fall

I find it incredibly dissatisfying to have so little true motivation, inspiration, in my life.  All that push me further into life seem so superficial, so short term in their ability to keep my spirits afloat, yet they seem to be the basis of modern life as we know it.  We want the best for ourselves and our kin, and the chance to provide the best seems to be rooted in the best opportunities that will provide you the best money.  The saying goes, "Money can't buy you happiness"; maybe it cannot, but maybe money can afford you a greater number of chances to attain your happiness, like buying as many bingo cards as you can afford to win that jackpot.

Perhaps I'm being too much of a romantic, a "bohemian", for life today, ignorant and blind to the goodness in my life and the other good I will acquire and achieve, but I envy those around me who seem to have their motivation intact, and abundant at that.  I hear them speak with excitement and fervor, bright eyed and propelled to do good for themselves.  It fills me with their same feelings, but soon it wears off; it is only temporary.  My joy was built, but there is no foundation.  I do not have a foundation, as they do, so my joy crumbles.  Maybe it's not as easy as I write it to seem, for those around me who I perceive as motivated.  Maybe their eyes are simply open to the goodness around us that I cannot seem to see but for a few moments.  Maybe their souls are just stronger than my own, able to wrestle and pin their desperate and untamed spirits.  But I hope that's not the case.  I want to be ignorant in my bliss, ignorant in my belief that everyone does find that inspiration, that muse, that pushes them to excel beyond their own limitations; pushes them to that promised land where they find their true life's happiness.  I want to remain blindly optimistic that mine is out there, and if only I search a little further for it, I'll have it.

This isn't a cry for hopeful encouragement, or a need for words of faith from others, friends and family, who want the best for me.  This is a question without a ready-and-waiting answer.  This is a thirst for greatness.  This is fear of a possible mid-life crisis, before the crisis.  This is me worrying about my life before I've even begun to live it.

2 comments:

jb said...

dude. i went into college doing what i wanted to do. living the aspirations of fulfilling my dream career. today, i hate my job. shit happens.

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