Cant Stop Wont Stop Eh-uh Eh-uh

I think I'm beginning to realize that I walk a fine line between a so-called "iron will" and just being stubborn. Especially over the last few years, there were a couple BIG decisions where I maybe should have quit what I was doing and tried something else, but I wouldn't let myself quit. It's not simply the fact that times got rough or difficult, but that they became so because it probably wasn't the best match or the best decision for me; that I could've been a lot happier and more successful doing something else.

Courage, Determination, and Triumph, you say??

I've pined over it again and again, but my most prime example would be my major, Systems Engineering. Man, that first semester of college was a rough one. You can ask my parents, but it was a bit of a blow to them what with my high school track record and all, and they honestly asked me if I want to major in something else, and that if that's what I wanted to do, that I should do so. No more of this switching your major before you submit your application stuff; my parents honestly thought that I was unhappy with engineering and maybe if I switched to something I enjoyed, I'd perform better (I do not know whether that hypothesis is statistically proven, but I'll assume so). At first, I thought, "Finally! My way out to do what I want to do!" The only problem was... at the time, I didn't know what I wanted to do. On top of that, I had been given a glimmer of hope from a professor who thought there was somewhere I could fit in (Systems Engineering, thank you, Ms. Beck) and that if I could just get selected for it, I'd find my place. Well, I got in, and I started performing a little better, but definitely not at the academic level I previously was once at. And of course, part of that can be credited to my not giving it 100% and studying and working academically as hard as I could have been (due to laziness, a desire to have fun, AND extra curricular activities), but I also was never passionate about my major or the work I was doing, and for whatever amount of my "non-success" I can credit to that, I do.

NROTC. Oh boy, there's another one. Another item that I was nearly 100% sure I didn't want to participate in, but my parents insisted that I "try it out". And so I did. And just as I felt with engineering, it didn't kill me, but I wasn't passionate about it. I mean, I'm happy with where I am now. I'm glad to see and be a part of the bigger picture, something bigger than myself; being a part of something that's idealistic and rooted in morals and principles. I'm glad that my job is more than just a paycheck. It's more than just trying to make as much money as I can. But NROTC, I seriously wonder if it was for me. I think I can say that I performed more competently in NROTC than I did in my major, but the passion wasn't there either. I know there are lots of MIDN/former MIDN who were very passionate and gung-ho about what they were doing and their jobs and stuff, and I congratulate them on that, but I can honestly say that wasn't me. While I'm satisfied with where that path has taken me, it just leaves a small shadow on me for doing something that I wasn't REALLY passionate about. Why did I do that? Because I didn't want to quit.

$77 per month?! SNAP SIGN ME UP!

So why don't I quit when it seems so obvious that these paths are not for me? I just don't want to be looked at as a quitter, as someone who couldn't "hack it". As vain and stubborn as that may sound, it's the truth. I don't want to have to come home and have people ask how my job/work/whatever is going, and then tell them I'm not doing that anymore because it wasn't for me. And THAT'S where the line between toughing my way through it and just being stubborn comes in. Am I really a "quitter" if I try something, find that it isn't for me or that it really isn't something I want to do, and thus stop pursuing it? Am I just being stubborn when I don't want to quit something because I'll be embarrassed to tell people I quit something, even if I don't completely enjoy what I do? I don't know, though I've asked myself those questions many times over. You really do have to fail me and kick me out because I will not quit no matter how marginal I am. Kind of like you'll have to stick me with a needle and draw my blood because I can't do it to myself (does that metaphor work??).

(No quips for this one)

So in the end, I guess I don't know what to write it off as. Am I "tough" because I just refuse to quit no matter how bad the times get? Or am I a stubborn idiot who keeps subjecting himself to self-inflicted trials and tribulations? I think it's healthy that I bring the question up within myself as a way to learn more about who I am, but I guess I'll just never figure this one out. At least until I figure out what it is I really want from this life.

Be Prepared: Scout's Honor

The unpredictability of life is both comforting and a pain in the ass. I suppose which one it's going to be at any given time is based on whether life gives you sour grapes or..... good grapes. And it feels like people tend to become more narcissistic (sp?) when they're given sour grapes. They say things like, "life sucks" and "oh, woe is me." They really are engulfed at how much crap they're being handed at that moment. I don't people focus as heavily on the fortunes when they're good ones. They may say things like, "life is good right now", but they never ask why it's happening to them or what they did to deserve it. And the only time you can really see this sort of thing is in the places in between. What are those places in between? It's you living your life as it's meant to be: unpredictably.

That freakin' fox and his freakin' grapes

2008 has already fed me my share of good and sour grapes, and I've swallowed every single one (that's what she said). Most recently, I've been trying to give myself an optimistic kick start despite my recent negative outcomes, but it's only in these moments at night or early in the morning or during the still deadness of mid-day that I really just remove myself from the smallness of my point of view and I'm able to see the vast, wide void that is an unfinished life. There are so many things that could happen to me from this moment on; there are so many places I can go, so many people I could meet. There are people who could re-enter my life who I never thought I'd hear from again (though I guess not as hard nowadays what with so many online social networks going on all at one time). And when thinking in these moments, you really can't see life with negative or positive light. You just have to see it as the middle of the road, non-biased life you lead. Regardless of what's happened to you or what may happen to you, you can throw it all nonchalantly over your shoulder with a shrug and say, "such is life" (Licenmo, for you). And I think that's how you move on.

People may argue, "Well if you're moving on with life, why don't you just look at it with a positive outlook?"* But it brings to mind the great sports figure, Peter Le Fleur, who said, "I found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed." It's not that I'm saying don't strive for things, don't look for the bright sides of life, the silver linings; it's more that you have to realize that both good and bad things will occur in life, for no better reason than that's the way life goes (ALMOST a Janet Jackson reference, but I think she was talking about "love"), and getting wrapped up in either one of these things will leave you stuck.

Peter Le Fleur vs....

...Janet Jackson. Let's dodge ball.

I agree that living life is feeling the emotions and feelings that accompany these events in life. Without being able to tell the difference, without being able to realize both, can you say you're really LIVING life? But I also think that being human means we potentially have the tendency to get stuck on those feelings, and focusing on nothing but those feelings, which, frankly, leaves me feeling unprepared and unready to face whatever life has coming at me next. I'd like to be able to emotionally be prepared for ANYTHING to happen to me next. Anticipating the unpredictable. I think that brings me back to life's unpredictability being both comforting and a pain in the ass.

I guess I'm just looking for what's next in my life. Yeah, I'm on this flight curriculum; I'm on this path, but that's only one part of my life (and even THAT isn't set in stone). I want to keep moving towards the next big thing, the next thing that'll warrant heavy emotional response. The only thing is I don't know when that'll be.

*Example of the bad being a bigger focus than the good: when you "move on" with life, you move on from the bad, never from the good, despite the fact that life is neither bad nor good. It just is.

Think A Thought And Scribble It Down

This won't be a real post, as in it will have no form other than a random checklist of song lyrics, quotes, one-liners, and quips. You can interpret their subject matter, meaning, and importance for yourself. It's all free for the taking.

"To love is to be brave.
Or stupid.
Or both."

For a lack of better
Words to say
All I said was goodnight
Once again
In self-defense I wont sleep a wink
To prevent dreaming of you
You can sleep on your own bed tonight
Sleep away a silent pain
Screaming out my name
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you dont wake up as broken as I am

I'm too busy to write anything,
But if you want to know,
Just ask my heart.

I wanna know
Who's making you smile nowadays?
Because you look so good when you look so happy
I really do wish it was me.

"My heart breaks every night before I go to sleep.
And every time that I dream.
And when I wake up again."

Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
Ah, la peaceful melodys
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew

It’s really over
You made your stand
You got me crying
As was your plan
But when my loneliness is through
I’m gonna find another you

I'm holding out and
I'm holding on to every letter and every grudge.
I pulled myself out of the day we ever had to meet.
Are you through with me?
So
And when it all goes to hell
will you be able to tell me
you're sorry with a straight face?

*I'm still in flight school, IFS. It's going well despite what's going on inside. It's time to concentrate on me and make all of this worth something on that day that I'm OK again. But some days, some hours, some moments you just have to purge.

Why It's Almost Like Being In Love

I received the link to this website from a friend, and nearly immediately I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to agree with her when she described what awaited me in the link with nothing more than "real cute". I had a bad night, my schweet dreams having been heavily infiltrated by my own personal, potentially real-life nightmare, and to remedy this emotional downfall, I thought it would be a VERY good idea to watch the movie that I thought closely resembled my situation in that exact nightmarish moment. So I watched "High Fidelity".

My Favorite John Cusack. Fck, Lloyd Dobler.

My moment was basically that part where Rob (John Cusack) cant sleep at night because he's having the most terrible, viciously awful dream (nightmare) any person in his position could be having. Rob wakes up, bed "torn to shreds" so to speak, eyes red and shot, eyes watered but not yet flowing a stream of tears, slightly quivering perhaps, and just generally a huge mess with no salvation in sight. And I thought, "Man, if I could see this happen to someone else, some character in a fictional movie, maybe I'd feel better that there's others out there like me who understand it all." You know what I'm talking about. How the stereotype for girls to get over heartbreak is to stay in, watch sappy love movies or whatever movies they want, and pigging out. I thought maybe the notion would translate to me, but then I figured something out about 1 hour and 20 minutes into the movie: THIS IS A MOVIE!!! ROB/JOHN CUSACK WINS AT THE END!!! HIS GIRL COMES BACK TO HIM!!! Why??? BECAUSE IT'S A MOVIE!

Let it be known that real life does NOT mimic the lives of fictional characters on the silver screen, especially when it comes to relationships (except maybe "The Break-Up").

Man, these kids. These freakin' kids.

So anyway, I went to the website, already being a skeptic and cynical towards these childish responses to questions about love, and it didn't get any better as I read through all of these responses from kids, including the second page. There was only one question-answer that really appeared cute to me:

How can two people make love endure?

"Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." — Erin, age 8

How can two people make love endure? DAMN, that's a tough question to ask anyone, much less to an eight year old kid. If that's all it would take, I think I'd be in a pretty good spot right now.

Love. "Like a fella once said, 'Ain't that a kick in the head?'" You got that right, Dino.

Dean Martin. 'Nuff said.

In other news, I FINALLY classed up to IFS, and on top of that, I get to go to the air school I wanted to train at for the next month, so I was feeling pretty good earlier today. And then that adrenaline wore off, and I remembered how I felt this morning. And that's how I feel now (no pictures of airplanes for you; not until I feel better).

I Wanna Rock n' Roll All Night

This'll be a short post about my recent purchase, which I have deemed the greatest purchase for myself EVER, and which could remain the greatest purchase I've ever made for the rest of my life. And that is the purchase of a Gibson Les Paul Studio Electric Guitar (this is about the time the clouds part, revealing blue skies and a bask of golden rays that seem to beam from Heaven above... and the angels sing "aahhhhh" in a very pleasing tone).

"Aaahhhhh....."

Those who are not well-versed or particularly keen on rock music (such as my roommate, Ruben) cannot fathom spending $1,200 on a guitar, but let me tell you something: this thing was freaking MAGICAL, just as I knew it would be. Since I've been back from the winter break, I've been passed for classing up to IFS twice, and thus, have had my free time. I've been filling that free time with two things: reading books (4 books finished in 3 weeks), and playing guitar. I brought my bass guitar and acoustic guitar to Pensacola, but the acoustic just wasnt cutting it. For one thing, it's an entry-level dreadnought that was actually my very, very first guitar (Ol' Faithful). On another hand, while it does allow me to remain musical, it didnt provide in the direction that I wanted to explore, mainly blues guitar and riff-ing/solo-ing. What was the obvious solution? Buy a new electric guitar.

Now, as I stated, I wanted to explore playing blues guitar, so I had been listening and watching videos of, and reading about blues guitarists. This is a wide range of people, but I mainly concentrated on B.B. King, Eric Clapton, Jonny Lang, John Mayer (recently, though he's always been a great guitarist, particularly a session guitarist), and the great Stevie Ray Vaughn*. Of course these are the benchmarks to reach, so I'd want my gear to resemble their gear as closely as possible. From my "research" (maybe "observations" is a more appropriate word), the main guitar the majority of these musicians use is the Fender Stratocaster. I had always wanted one, but since I played mostly bass guitar through high school, I never needed a highly-regarded electric guitar. After some reading and what not, I decided I wanted the Fender American Special Mahogany HSS Strat. This decision is broken down into two reasons: 1) I wanted a higher end Strat because I had read the $300-400 Strats, which were made in Mexico, did not produce as good a sound, and 2) I wanted a humbucker pickup in case I ever wanted to rock out and crunch it (this comes from watching Rivers Cuomo and Weezer).

Rivers and his Fender Stratocaster

Trying to get a feel for what people around me were thinking, I informed my brother I was in the market to get a new electric guitar and that I was thinking about getting that particular Strat model. My brother has been playing guitar for maybe the last 4 or 5 years, and I would say could offer somewhat of a valid opinion, and he does. He tells me to get the Gibson Les Paul. I ask him what's his reasoning for thinking this was a better guitar, and he provided me with none, except for saying he simply preferred it. And thus I came to the age-old debate between guitarists: Fender or Gibson?

After doing more research online regarding the debate, I decided that the only way I was going to solve this was by getting my hands on each. And so I did. I went to the Guitar Center here in Pensacola, informed the guitar guy on hand about my dilemma**, and he sat me down and let me test out my two choices. I sat there for no less than 2 hours, getting a feel for each guitar. I played chords, folk-y songs, what little blues riffs and progressions I knew, basically every song I knew, and then just general rocking-out shredding. I tested each guitar every way I knew how. And.... well, you know what I picked. Despite wanting that nice and distinct, twangy sound that the Fenders produce when you riff-it-up, the overall warm, deep tone of the Les Paul sold me. The sound just filled my soul with warmth and well-being. And I was sold. He ended up receiving a shipment of the color I wanted (wine red with gold trimmings) that day, so it was fresh, never opened, never touched. I was the first person after placing it in the case to ever touch the guitar. AMAZING. I also coupled it with a Vox 50watt amp, since I didnt really need that much power, what with not being in a band and all. Needless to say, the entire purchase, sound, experience, all of it blows my mind. It's delicious.

Oh yeah, I also bought a Quarter Pounder with cheese value meal from the McDonald's that was in the same shopping center. So that was good too.

Bliss. Straight up bliss.

*I've also begun listening to and watching a lot of The Beatles. I think is probably due to Gian telling me he wanted to be a mix of The Beatles with Ne-yo, so it kind of sparked the craze.

**His first reaction was to try to sell me the new American Standard Stratocaster by Fender. I was not duped or swayed.

Ozymandias Watches From 1 Million Screens*

I have never been a big fan of the news, and for a while, I attributed that to youth and how the news was "boring" and unnecessary for someone as young as I was at the time. But now I feel as I have somewhat of a point of argument versus just blaming my lack of age, and that argument is the over abundance of news. Once in a while, I'll get curious or attempt to better myself, and visit a news site (say www.cnn.com), thinking that reading about world issues and what's going on outside of my immediate life will make me "better". But once I get there, I'll probably be lucky to read 3 whole news stories that arent about some new fangled technology, or advice on how to invest my money. THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

Seriously. Go to any of those websites right now and just look at how many different links and how many different news stories there are to choose from (www.usatoday.com does somewhat of a better job; as in less links from the home page). Do you not feel overwhelmed? Where do you begin? Obviously, there are headlines: the one main one that's usually accompanied by a picture, but then next to it, maybe 10 other headlines that they deem more important than the rest. For me, it's simply too much for my senses to take at one time. How do I "test the waters" of reading on current events? It's as if they unleashed a CIWS** of information on my ass (over 3000 rounds per minute). I've reached the point of no return.

Similar, no?

What I've concluded from this (but have yet to prove) is that the good ol' fashioned newspaper is still the best way to receive the news. Of course, there are the factors of regionalized news (for example, I currently live in Pensacola, FL, but the happenings of the state of Virginia would probably interest me more) and whether or not you think the newspaper as an entity is more conservative or more liberal (I can never tell, really), but overall, I THINK I'd prefer reading the newspaper rather than going to the SAME newspaper's website. The reason? It's much neater. Obviously, the newspaper is bound by the limitations of physical paper. It isn't online, letting the company stuff as much information as they want on the page, but on the flip side, I think that forces the paper and it's editorial staff to pick and choose what is important enough to print. And THAT is what I want to read (again, yet to be proven). Reading from a physical newspaper is like quadruple distilled vodka. Only the cleanest and most filtered of news stories.

That's right. They know what's up.

On top of that, the newspaper is physically divided into sections! As I'm sure everyone knows, there's the current/world news section, finance/business section, the ever-popular and pertinent sports section, the comic section, the lifestyle section, and the media section (sometimes these last three are actually in the same section). And all of these sections, while grouped together to form the paper was a whole, are independent of each other! You can ignore the first 2 and just go straight for sports if you want! In fact, you could THROW AWAY all the other sections and ONLY read, say, the comic section! I know, I know, most of the websites for these news companies are ALSO grouped and archived based on the same headings (current/world news, finance/business, sports, etc.), BUT (and this is a picky "but"), even as you click one of those specific headings, the rest of the headings remain available to you; right there, in your face. And as I say "out of sight, out of mind". I guess I could also speculate, that though you are in a specific heading, there are no less news stories reported than if you were just on the home page, but this remains another point that will go unproven (I wish I had a facts checker working for me).

Now, there are websites like www.digg.com and what not that list even MORE headlines, since they take their stories (not just news; sometimes online media a.k.a. videos like that on youtube) from other online sources (some of which are the other major news companies I've previously mentioned). But despite all that, they are able to condense their information beyond simple headings. For example, Digg allows their readers to rate whether or not they are "digging" the article. If so, they can click they digg it, so that the next time a person navigates to the Digg home page, they can see "Oh hey look, 300,000 people digg this news story" and think to him/herself, "oh I'm sort of interested in that news title, and 300k people thought it was a relevant article, I guess I'll read it." You might think this might help me enjoy my online news, and you'd be wrong. Because the stories come from so many different sources, and sometimes they're not even NEWS stories (videos about what some dude did in his off time do not count; unless he discovered cold fusion or cured AIDS/cancer), I do not count sites like Digg as credible sources to receive news. It may be a fickle matter, but it matters to me.

In the end, I feel that I may never grow interested in current news. I know, it's a crying shame that I care so little about what's going on around me (especially since I am an active military member), but I doubt I'm the only one who feels this way. If I had to wager, I might say that I may be in the majority. And that may say something about society today, but I don't know what that argument might be nor do I want to get into it. All I know is that on those days I have to go to the dentist or the doctor, or maybe sometimes in a library or when I wake up to have breakfast in an eatery of sorts (McDonald's, Waffle House, take your pick), there's nothing like picking up a good ol' fashioned newspaper (until you realize I'm just reading Calvin and Hobbes; right before I move onto the Best Buy ad).




*A reference to Alan Moore's "The Watchmen" (http://www.agrifonte.com/sonrisa/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/watchmen10.jpg). Don't know what it is? GO CHECK IT OUT BEFORE THE MOVIE COMES OUT.

** Wikipedia on the CIWS: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phalanx_CIWS

Get On Up (stay on the scene, like a sex machine)

Yesterday, I was feeling pretty good about myself, having jumped in the pool to swim (re-preparing for API since I have hopes that I'll start IFS before the month ends, and thus wont have any time to work on my water survival besides the time I have now) and also getting a bit of the AH-NOLD workout via Summer '07 back into the groove. It must've been the endorphins or something, but I felt like I needed to continue this trend of goodness in the day by watching what has quickly risen to become one of my favorite movies ever: "Almost Famous".



I had seen it once before when it was first released and garnering acclaim from all the critics and people who nominate movies for all the classy awards (who I don't typically buy stock into, seeing as I'm not them; I'm a "user critic" if I could borrow the term from rottentomates.com), and for some reason, it didn't really stick with me all that well. However, despite that first opinion on it some 5-6 years ago, I decided to pick it up when the local Hollywood Video was having a going-out-of-business sale (they actually DID close, not like all those other stores that fake it), and to my surprise, I LOVED the movie*. I didn't just like it; I LOVED it. The movie follows a 15 year old boy, William, who wants to be a rock journalist, and gets to follow one of his favorite bands on the road, observing what it's really like on the inside of rock stardom (circa 1973). The story is semi-autobiographical of the director, Cameron Crowe, and his experiences during the 1960s-1970s, when he was writing for The Rolling Stone**.

I think my newfound love for "Almost Famous" has something to do with my growing up and living more life and thus experiencing more things. I know myself better than I did 5 years ago. After having gone through high school and college, and now having a "real job" and living out in the "real world", I have a better idea of the things I like, the things that make me happy, what I wish I did/knew before, and what I want for myself now.

Just today, literally, about an hour ago, I had a talk with my friend, who basically served as my wingman throughout my college classes career. We were talking about our work ethic and basically "reaping what you sow" while we dragged our feet through the Department of Systems Engineering at the University of Virginia. We brought up the point that in our Espionage class (the ONLY class at UVA that I took and really wanted to take), we were able to achieve A's versus the B/C/D's we were accustomed to in the E-School because the method of learning was we were good at (rote memorization). This sparked my old line of thinking that I had I been in the College instead of the E-School, I would've enjoyed myself more and would have graduated with a much higher GPA. My friend begged to differ, leaving me surprised and intrigued. He said I would have been more miserable taking those College classes than I was taking my E-School classes because I would've been bored. While thinking of a response to refute his claim, he continued on saying, "I think you would have had to do something analytic: comm school, econ; but I couldn't see you doing the other stuff." I assumed that the "other stuff" were things like history, IR, any type of science, English, Sociology, Psychology, etc. And it was weird because it was like he re-opened something that I had heard before. Like hearing a song you used to love 10 years ago, and remembering how that felt. This wasn't the first time I have heard this; a few teachers and professors along the way recognized this analytical side of me that I hadn't really thought about before, but realized as soon as they said it. Like it had always been there and I knew it was there, but it took someone saying it out loud for it to become real.

After my eyes were opened, I agreed with my friend, telling him that if I could rewind the last 4 years and re-do college, I'd probably want to major in Commerce with a side of creative writing. He agreed, and we joked that I could then write humorous articles about finance, basically like a Bill Simmons for Wall Street. It was in jest, but I really thought about it. Is that something I could do? Of course I wouldn't be able to do it for maybe another 10 years or so, but it might be a career I could have, right? That'd make me about 32, 33 years old. For some reason, I keep thinking that's really late in life, but maybe it isn't. Maybe that's the perfect mix of what I see as two different parts of me constantly at war with one another over how my life should go. Like I said, it won't even be relevant for at least another 8 years or so, what with me being in Flight School and all, but I must say that the idea fills me with a small hope and excitement that I may actually become happy in this life because of something that really does make ME happy, rather than being happy just because of life. And that's a feeling that I've been missing recently.


*Favorite scene in the movie: The band just picked up Russell from a house party where he tripped out on acid, and as the band drives along in silence on their tour bus, the bassist starts singing Elton John's "Tiny Dancer". Soon after, everyone just sort of "gets it" and they all sing together happily. I have heard the song before, but this time I really listened to the words, and the scene that it was used in was just mind-blowing. Then William says "I have to go home", and Penny Lane does her weird hand-to-the-face thing and says "You are home", and I was just done after that. PERFECT.

**After reading about this, it sparked memory of John Cusack's character, Rob Gordon, from "High Fidelity" (a movie I have seen and love, a book I might get to eventually), who has "writing for The Rolling Stone during the 1960s, 1970s" listed as one of his top 5 professions. Other reference, in Entourage's third season, episode "One Day In The Valley", Vinnie Chase goes up on the roof drunk at a party a bunch of high school kids are throwing during the summer. Quite similar to the scene in "Almost Famous" where Russell goes on the roof of a high school kid throwing a party, tripping on acid, and proclaims "I am a golden god.... I'm on drugs!"