Haha. So, for some random reason I dont even remember, I decided to go back and check out my xanga. I think I've had a xanga since September 2003 or something like that, and I read every single entry up to that first one. And geez, it was a trip.
Reading all that stuff that was written not too long ago, it was really funny. For one thing, I think a lot of those posts had to do with messy relationship stuff. The ups and downs of being human made for a lot of gas to fuel the flames, and I mean A LOT of gas. Like enough to freakin burn the building down. So there was that. But then, just reading the way I wrote my thoughts down was crazy. It's like I wrote the way the words came in my head, and I didnt stop to think about what I was writing, I just went for it, and it just flowed for me. I couldnt help but feel rushed even though I was reading each entry really slow (to try to "pull the meaning" out of all those old entries). My words just came out fast with tons of energy. The words were blunt and sometimes harsh (I think) and it was just rapid fire. I dont know how everyone else responded to that, but it kind of gave me a rush. I excited myself. That sounds a little... *cough*, but it's right. I think about what I write, how I write to myself now, and it feels so plain. In comparison, I've definitely cooled with what I type out in my opens forums and blogs. One whiff of the crap I write in the OYFA '07 thread, and I'd say I was crazy, but I definitely feel like I've lost an edge of who I used to be.
Maybe it's the "growing up", or the realization that I really am at that point of growing up, and college wasnt really anything but the best of youthful years. I'm beyond using the scene and emo and punk bands and their music and words to help get me through tough times or to get through life; to define my life. I still listen and I still enjoy, but it doesnt define anything for me. I'm not sitting here going "yes! you said exactly what I'm feeling!" Am I supposed to get dull when I grow up? I hope not. Once again, I blame it on not doing anything all day. Maybe if I fill my day with something, then I'll have something to discuss. I'm running out of thoughts in my head. No stimulation. Zombiieeeee.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Bright Lights, Big City... but only when you want to
Another day of nothing. Last night, I stuck around long enough to watch Alston miss the 3 pointer that would've tied up the game at the buzzer. As a result, the Rockets lose to the Lakers. And as a result of that, I woke up tired again today, but I was able to drag myself out of bed and head to the NASC pool in order to practice treading water. In the end, I was happy I did it and didnt give in to my lack of energy and laziness because I was actually able to tread water in my flight suit and boots. So that's one thing that I've accomplished while I've been here. I also got to jump off the high dive tower, which is mad fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing contacts since I didnt plan on jumping off the tower, so I wasnt able to complete the under water swim. All in all, a good day of effort.
Now I've really realized how little I did today, so I'm drawing blanks about what to say. Is this what happens? When your days and nights are essentially filled with nothing substantial or taxing, your mind draws and blank and you've got nothing to produce? I really dont think so, but I've been proven wrong pretty much ever since I've gotten down to Pensacola.
I thought about letting out my thoughts and feelings on that NYC thing, but I dont really feel up to it right now. Maybe I'll feel better about writing on the topic when I finish "On the Road" or when I start "The Great Gatsby". Basically the gist of it is that I believe that most people see NYC as this big bustling city with lots to do and lots of lights and excitement. "The city that never sleeps". Bright lights, big city. And that's what people dig about it. The pace of life is fast, you're doing everything fast. You're eating food fast. You're waiting for rides fast. You're watching your movies in fast forward. It's just the ultimate idea of "the big city" and that's what draws people in; to be able to live there is to be able to say you live in the most exciting city in the world. That's not why I want to live there. Watch that The Strokes music video I posted up down there. You see all their buddies hanging out in a bar, just talking, not really doing anything, just getting drunk and smoking? That's the experience I'm looking for. The NYC life I want to live is that kind of crappy apartment in a pretty old building, in just another neighborhood where you wont find the tourists. You know the people around you, you can walk up and down the street without the hassle of Broadway and Times Square. You've got your local spots, whether they be morning cafes/bakeries/food carts, or happy hour bars/pubs/etc. It just kind of has that feel to it. I cant really describe it. It's fire escapes, and hanging out on building rooftops, and walking home from bars, and knowing where to go to get your donuts or bagels or coffee or whatever you eat in the morning. In any other town, it would be a terribly boring life, but the fact that you're in NYC makes it more appealing (not exciting) than it really is. It might just be a case of the greener grass since I've always lived in relatively small towns, suburbia, etc and never in a big city, but maybe not. Maybe what I'm describing is that perfect balance for me, where you have access to the big city and it's bright lights and all of that hustle and bustle that comes with it, but only if you want to. Only if you want to venture into that part of town. Otherwise, it's sedated, it's relaxed, it's a lazy life. I am a huge fan of the chill life (the reason I wasnt dying of boredom while waiting down here for flight school, and thus I havent started flight school), but I also like to have my options about me. I'm all about leaving those options open so I can go off and satisfy my spontaneous urges whenever they may arise.
Well, I guess I went ahead and basically spit out everything about the NYC thing I want, so I can check that off of my to-do list.
But with this whole Navy, flight school thing, I feel like I've already written off the good part of my life. The part that's supposed to be used for exploring and living life before you settle down. I'll have great experiences and a great life, I'm sure; but I'm also pretty sure that it's not the experiences and life that I want.
Now I've really realized how little I did today, so I'm drawing blanks about what to say. Is this what happens? When your days and nights are essentially filled with nothing substantial or taxing, your mind draws and blank and you've got nothing to produce? I really dont think so, but I've been proven wrong pretty much ever since I've gotten down to Pensacola.
I thought about letting out my thoughts and feelings on that NYC thing, but I dont really feel up to it right now. Maybe I'll feel better about writing on the topic when I finish "On the Road" or when I start "The Great Gatsby". Basically the gist of it is that I believe that most people see NYC as this big bustling city with lots to do and lots of lights and excitement. "The city that never sleeps". Bright lights, big city. And that's what people dig about it. The pace of life is fast, you're doing everything fast. You're eating food fast. You're waiting for rides fast. You're watching your movies in fast forward. It's just the ultimate idea of "the big city" and that's what draws people in; to be able to live there is to be able to say you live in the most exciting city in the world. That's not why I want to live there. Watch that The Strokes music video I posted up down there. You see all their buddies hanging out in a bar, just talking, not really doing anything, just getting drunk and smoking? That's the experience I'm looking for. The NYC life I want to live is that kind of crappy apartment in a pretty old building, in just another neighborhood where you wont find the tourists. You know the people around you, you can walk up and down the street without the hassle of Broadway and Times Square. You've got your local spots, whether they be morning cafes/bakeries/food carts, or happy hour bars/pubs/etc. It just kind of has that feel to it. I cant really describe it. It's fire escapes, and hanging out on building rooftops, and walking home from bars, and knowing where to go to get your donuts or bagels or coffee or whatever you eat in the morning. In any other town, it would be a terribly boring life, but the fact that you're in NYC makes it more appealing (not exciting) than it really is. It might just be a case of the greener grass since I've always lived in relatively small towns, suburbia, etc and never in a big city, but maybe not. Maybe what I'm describing is that perfect balance for me, where you have access to the big city and it's bright lights and all of that hustle and bustle that comes with it, but only if you want to. Only if you want to venture into that part of town. Otherwise, it's sedated, it's relaxed, it's a lazy life. I am a huge fan of the chill life (the reason I wasnt dying of boredom while waiting down here for flight school, and thus I havent started flight school), but I also like to have my options about me. I'm all about leaving those options open so I can go off and satisfy my spontaneous urges whenever they may arise.
Well, I guess I went ahead and basically spit out everything about the NYC thing I want, so I can check that off of my to-do list.
But with this whole Navy, flight school thing, I feel like I've already written off the good part of my life. The part that's supposed to be used for exploring and living life before you settle down. I'll have great experiences and a great life, I'm sure; but I'm also pretty sure that it's not the experiences and life that I want.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
On The Road to finishing this book
I had another gym watch this morning, which freaking sucked. These new people totally screwed the system. You're supposed to earn your way to pool watches by working gym watches, but now it's all equal and crap, so even though I spent 2 months only doing gym watches, I'm still doing them. The only pros about this situation is 1) i get to lift/work out a lot since I have to be there anyway, and 2) without the need for taking temperatures, I have even more time on my hand during watch, which I fill with reading my books.
I went to Barnes & Noble and bought some books about a month ago. This was during my time of inspiration where I decided I was going to take it upon myself to read more and write more because I keep hearing over and over again from professional writers that the only way to become a better writer is to read and write. But anyway, so I bought "Catcher in the Rye", "On the Road", "The Great Gatsby", and this book of short stories written by J.D. Salinger. I read "Catcher" pretty fast, it being my favorite book and all since the 9th grade, and I read J.D. Salinger's book of short stories, which proved to me that Salinger really had nothing real to say at all, but he just liked telling stories (kind of the way I see Quentin Tarantino). So I start on "On the Road".
My buddy RVD tells me good things about this book, and of course I read great things about this book online through reviews, professional and personal, which is why I picked it up. But then I start reading it in my free time at home (which I have a lot of). I get bored with the book. I'm trying to get in the mind set, channel all the words people used to describe the book, but I just cant do it. This crap is boring me. So I put it down, never really got back to it. Then I start getting scheduled with these freaking gym watches and have like 2 extra hours to kill, so I start reading the book again (I didnt want it to go to waste. It cost $14). Now, it starts to make sense to me.
I read something like 150 pages today during watch, and I just kind of rolled with it. The way you're supposed to roll with a book that is, at the very least, somewhat interesting to you. I start making connections between myself and Sal, the protagonist, with him struggling between wanting to go on the adventure and wanting to settle down in life, and his best friends arent making it easy for him to settle. I kind of feel the same way, except, unlike Sal, I dont go on the adventures. I took the other road. I always take the other road. I settle down, I choose the steady life; I'm not rip-roaring all through the country, living these experiences that leave you poor and miserable, but fills your being with a smile for having lived life. There's a lot of supporting characters throughout the book who deal with this theme, and I guess in the end, maybe that's what the Beat Generation was all about. I actually dont know anything about the Beat Generation except that they were at their height right after WWII and that Jack Kerouac was their hero and gave them a voice with this very book. But maybe it has something to do with the struggle I mentioned before. If that's the case, then times have not changed for me. I still have that struggle within myself, except like I said, I choose a different path; and I think I'll probably just keep going through life choosing this path because I cant deal with the low moments of the other path that ultimately also make the path worthwhile. So until I can muster the courage to do so, the beat will have to just go on (pun entirely intended since I spent like 3 minutes trying to figure out how to end the entry like that).
PS: Sal is from NYC, and it got me thinking about wanting to live in NYC again. And THAT led me to thinking that the experience from NYC that I want is maybe not the stereotypical experience from NYC that everyone else usually thinks of, but I'll save that for another time. Just remind me to get back to it, or else I never will.
I went to Barnes & Noble and bought some books about a month ago. This was during my time of inspiration where I decided I was going to take it upon myself to read more and write more because I keep hearing over and over again from professional writers that the only way to become a better writer is to read and write. But anyway, so I bought "Catcher in the Rye", "On the Road", "The Great Gatsby", and this book of short stories written by J.D. Salinger. I read "Catcher" pretty fast, it being my favorite book and all since the 9th grade, and I read J.D. Salinger's book of short stories, which proved to me that Salinger really had nothing real to say at all, but he just liked telling stories (kind of the way I see Quentin Tarantino). So I start on "On the Road".
My buddy RVD tells me good things about this book, and of course I read great things about this book online through reviews, professional and personal, which is why I picked it up. But then I start reading it in my free time at home (which I have a lot of). I get bored with the book. I'm trying to get in the mind set, channel all the words people used to describe the book, but I just cant do it. This crap is boring me. So I put it down, never really got back to it. Then I start getting scheduled with these freaking gym watches and have like 2 extra hours to kill, so I start reading the book again (I didnt want it to go to waste. It cost $14). Now, it starts to make sense to me.
I read something like 150 pages today during watch, and I just kind of rolled with it. The way you're supposed to roll with a book that is, at the very least, somewhat interesting to you. I start making connections between myself and Sal, the protagonist, with him struggling between wanting to go on the adventure and wanting to settle down in life, and his best friends arent making it easy for him to settle. I kind of feel the same way, except, unlike Sal, I dont go on the adventures. I took the other road. I always take the other road. I settle down, I choose the steady life; I'm not rip-roaring all through the country, living these experiences that leave you poor and miserable, but fills your being with a smile for having lived life. There's a lot of supporting characters throughout the book who deal with this theme, and I guess in the end, maybe that's what the Beat Generation was all about. I actually dont know anything about the Beat Generation except that they were at their height right after WWII and that Jack Kerouac was their hero and gave them a voice with this very book. But maybe it has something to do with the struggle I mentioned before. If that's the case, then times have not changed for me. I still have that struggle within myself, except like I said, I choose a different path; and I think I'll probably just keep going through life choosing this path because I cant deal with the low moments of the other path that ultimately also make the path worthwhile. So until I can muster the courage to do so, the beat will have to just go on (pun entirely intended since I spent like 3 minutes trying to figure out how to end the entry like that).
PS: Sal is from NYC, and it got me thinking about wanting to live in NYC again. And THAT led me to thinking that the experience from NYC that I want is maybe not the stereotypical experience from NYC that everyone else usually thinks of, but I'll save that for another time. Just remind me to get back to it, or else I never will.
Monday, November 12, 2007
The Return to the Same
Wow it's been a month since I've entered anything into this spot that no one I know knows, or reads from. What can I say I've done with my time that pulled me away from this attempt to really get back into my grind? Ha, nothing. I havent classed up; I'm still going about doing the usual which isnt much. It's enough... for now.
Creativity is a funny thing. So often, I feel uncreative and the problem with that is that, in my mind, I used to be more creative. I used to write, to draw, make my own comic strips, make music, etc. For whatever they were worth, however good or bad they might have been, I was able to just put something done and get it out there. Now I just feel like I'm doing the day-to-day, following the track, and doing what I'm supposed to. It's like I locked that part of me up since it's supposedly time to grow up and do something legitimate instead of chasing dreams of "you know what would be cool?" The thing about it is that I wish I could be one of those lucky people who were able to take their creative "talents" and make something of it. They're able to get through all the little things that make life bothersome because they get to do something they enjoy.
Maybe that's what the problem was with me. Going to college is one of those one-time shots. Sure you can always go back and get whatever degree you want, but it's not the same. You're not 18 years old, let out into the world without responsibilities but without a watchful eye over your shoulder. You can do what you like, particularly with your classes. You can become what you want. I didnt take that option though. I went to school for what would be a good job when I graduate. I tell myself I dealt with it then and that I can deal with it now, but inside, I just really wish I could go back and do something else. I wouldnt call it regret....but now I just think I might have reconsidered some things when I was at school.
All I can do is just these little things to feel like I still have some connection to the creative person I always thought I'd grow up to become. Writing here, which no one I know can read anyway. Playing someone else's song on guitar/bass. I dont really draw anymore, but then I dont really feel the need to jump into it either.... Ugh. I need to get my head in the game. But which game?
Creativity is a funny thing. So often, I feel uncreative and the problem with that is that, in my mind, I used to be more creative. I used to write, to draw, make my own comic strips, make music, etc. For whatever they were worth, however good or bad they might have been, I was able to just put something done and get it out there. Now I just feel like I'm doing the day-to-day, following the track, and doing what I'm supposed to. It's like I locked that part of me up since it's supposedly time to grow up and do something legitimate instead of chasing dreams of "you know what would be cool?" The thing about it is that I wish I could be one of those lucky people who were able to take their creative "talents" and make something of it. They're able to get through all the little things that make life bothersome because they get to do something they enjoy.
Maybe that's what the problem was with me. Going to college is one of those one-time shots. Sure you can always go back and get whatever degree you want, but it's not the same. You're not 18 years old, let out into the world without responsibilities but without a watchful eye over your shoulder. You can do what you like, particularly with your classes. You can become what you want. I didnt take that option though. I went to school for what would be a good job when I graduate. I tell myself I dealt with it then and that I can deal with it now, but inside, I just really wish I could go back and do something else. I wouldnt call it regret....but now I just think I might have reconsidered some things when I was at school.
All I can do is just these little things to feel like I still have some connection to the creative person I always thought I'd grow up to become. Writing here, which no one I know can read anyway. Playing someone else's song on guitar/bass. I dont really draw anymore, but then I dont really feel the need to jump into it either.... Ugh. I need to get my head in the game. But which game?
Friday, October 5, 2007
That Guy
Man, I've been trying too hard. Living in the past and forcing myself to go back there, thinking that it'll put me where I want.
And I usually hate people who try too hard. You may have the best of intentions and you may not be harming anyone, but there's something about trying too hard that's really annoying and makes me wish something bad would happen to you. Nothing DRASTIC, mind you, just something slightly unfortunate. Like you lose your car keys. Or a finger. It's even worse if you're trying hard and faking at life. But that's another can of worms.
The first key to writing is to write, not to think.
You really just have to let it all flow out. Dont think about what's going on, just go for it. I dont even LIKE doing drafts or editing work, so what's been my deal? I dont know. I'm getting too wrapped up in my head.
I think that I need to step away from all the technology. "Ayo, I'm tired of using technology." The computer, the television...it all just breaks my concentration from my own thoughts. I'm reactive to what I'm fed. I'm slowly losing the joy of making my own thoughts. Using my imagination. Speaking my mind.
Dont think about where this is going. Just do it in it's purest form. Unadulterated, ad lib. The way life is.
And I usually hate people who try too hard. You may have the best of intentions and you may not be harming anyone, but there's something about trying too hard that's really annoying and makes me wish something bad would happen to you. Nothing DRASTIC, mind you, just something slightly unfortunate. Like you lose your car keys. Or a finger. It's even worse if you're trying hard and faking at life. But that's another can of worms.
The first key to writing is to write, not to think.
You really just have to let it all flow out. Dont think about what's going on, just go for it. I dont even LIKE doing drafts or editing work, so what's been my deal? I dont know. I'm getting too wrapped up in my head.
I think that I need to step away from all the technology. "Ayo, I'm tired of using technology." The computer, the television...it all just breaks my concentration from my own thoughts. I'm reactive to what I'm fed. I'm slowly losing the joy of making my own thoughts. Using my imagination. Speaking my mind.
Dont think about where this is going. Just do it in it's purest form. Unadulterated, ad lib. The way life is.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Tuesday TV: 02 Oct 2007
Cavemen:
Didnt really like it; the show didnt really interest and hook me, though those Geico commercials are by far my favorite TV commercials. One plus: I enjoy the "stick-it-to-you" banter that the cavemen argue back and forth with.
Carpoolers:
Once again, not impressed again. The story was boring, actors werent great or really funny, and I felt that the "carpool" wasnt used to its full potential. One plus: Jerry O'Connell. For some reason, something about him is funny. Maybe I'm channeling my weird liking for "Joe's Apartment", but I thought he was the only CLOSE to funny part of the show.
All in all, a bad showing for what I suspect ABC was trying to make THEIR comedy prime time night, meant to perhaps compete with NBC's Thursday Comedy night, though they are obviously on different nights.
So who is the Tuesday night prime time winner (based on what I watched)? HOUSE!!!
Last season, House fired Chase, Foreman and Cameron quit, and now he's testing a bunch of doctors who are competing to fill the three spots???? It's like Amazing Race, Survivor, and House all rolled into one! And I already love House! Man, that guy. Annnddd.... Wilson and Cuddy remain favorites, as always..
Didnt really like it; the show didnt really interest and hook me, though those Geico commercials are by far my favorite TV commercials. One plus: I enjoy the "stick-it-to-you" banter that the cavemen argue back and forth with.
Carpoolers:
Once again, not impressed again. The story was boring, actors werent great or really funny, and I felt that the "carpool" wasnt used to its full potential. One plus: Jerry O'Connell. For some reason, something about him is funny. Maybe I'm channeling my weird liking for "Joe's Apartment", but I thought he was the only CLOSE to funny part of the show.
All in all, a bad showing for what I suspect ABC was trying to make THEIR comedy prime time night, meant to perhaps compete with NBC's Thursday Comedy night, though they are obviously on different nights.
So who is the Tuesday night prime time winner (based on what I watched)? HOUSE!!!
Last season, House fired Chase, Foreman and Cameron quit, and now he's testing a bunch of doctors who are competing to fill the three spots???? It's like Amazing Race, Survivor, and House all rolled into one! And I already love House! Man, that guy. Annnddd.... Wilson and Cuddy remain favorites, as always..
Oh, Someday...
Man, sometimes you just gotta go back to what made you feel good...
The Strokes - "Someday"
"I'm working so I wont have to try so hard
Tables they turn sometimes, oh someday..."
The Strokes - "Someday"
"I'm working so I wont have to try so hard
Tables they turn sometimes, oh someday..."
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